🗓️ Roswell, NM — June 14, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Fringe Physics & Folded Logic Bureau
In a shocking press release delivered from the edge of a folding table, the Flat Earth Society has finally conceded that the Earth is, in fact, round — but only because it’s trying to “look normal to avoid suspicion.”
“It’s round on purpose to mess with us,” said Todd Pancake, Chief Flat Earth Theorist and part-time forklift psychic. “That’s exactly what they want you to think — that it’s naturally a sphere. Classic globe psy-op.”
The group claims to have uncovered new evidence proving that Earth is actually a 2D disc rendered in 3D using alien holographic projectors run by “NASA interns and a rogue dolphin coalition.”
When asked why planes don’t fall off the edge anymore, Pancake replied:
“Because there is no edge anymore. The government rounded it off in 1997 using space sandpaper.”
Despite overwhelming scientific consensus, Flat Earth members remain skeptical of:
- Satellites: “Just GoPro footage from a high-altitude trampoline.”
- Gravity: “A lie made up by Apple to sell iPhones faster.”
- The Moon: “A lightbulb on a dimmer switch. Wake up.”
Leaked internal memos also mention a secret Flat Earth escape plan involving a hot air balloon, 600 meters of duct tape, and a really long selfie stick.
The Society’s next summit will be held in a cornfield “adjacent to the truth vortex,” where attendees are encouraged to bring foil hats and unlearn something new.
🧠 Closing Punchline
The group now insists they’ve only “technically lost the argument,” but spiritually, they remain “on the level.” Literally.
