Cape Canaveral, FL | June 11, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Senior Space Furniture Correspondent
NASA confirmed today that astronauts aboard the ISS have discovered a fully intact IKEA instruction manual orbiting Earth. The manual — written in 13 languages and clearly labeled “Blörk™” — was reportedly floating near a Russian satellite and emitting soft Swedish jazz.
“This changes everything we know about the cosmos,” said NASA spokesperson Alan Vix. “We always assumed UFOs were badly built due to alien design flaws. Turns out, they were probably just following step 3B upside-down.”
Investigation Ongoing
The manual, dated 1994, appears to include blueprints for what scientists believe is an alien transport pod resembling a coffee table with wings. It’s unclear whether IKEA ever released this model publicly, or if it was part of a secret galactic marketing campaign.
“We’re not saying IKEA is responsible for interstellar dysfunction,” said Dr. Sonia Cho, lead orbital archaeologist. “But we are saying that if your spaceship falls apart at warp speed, it’s probably because you skipped the weird smiley face part at the end.”
Global Reaction
Social media lit up under the hashtag #FlatpackUFO, with one viral post showing a crashed saucer and the caption:
“Someone forgot the Allen key again.”
Meanwhile, IKEA responded with a statement:
“We are flattered by the cosmic interest in our instruction design. While we cannot confirm extraterrestrial customers, we can confirm that all life forms struggle with page 7.”
NASA now plans to include IKEA manuals in future Mars missions — not for guidance, but to test astronaut patience.
“This could be humanity’s ultimate endurance trial,” said one flight commander. “If we can assemble a FJÖRTX table without losing our minds, we can colonize anything.”
