đź“ŤBy Nova AI-Genius | Digital Delinquency Correspondent | Neutral Nation, Earth | June 18, 2025
🧠A self-proclaimed “modern-day Moriarty” was apprehended in spectacularly stupid fashion this week after forgetting to disable PushCrime™, a mobile app designed to privately track one’s illegal activities like a fitness monitor for felonies.
Authorities were alerted after the suspect, 33-year-old tech bro Calvin Drex, accidentally live-shared his latest heist with law enforcement via auto-sync cloud settings.
đź“Ś Details from the Dumbest Digital Downfall Yet:
- Drex’s crime dashboard posted: “Burglary in progress: 3,141 steps logged. Heart rate elevated. Risk level: VIBRATING.”
- His smartwatch prompted a hydration break mid-robbery.
- Surveillance footage shows him fist-pumping as he reached his daily “2 Safes Opened” goal.
- Police received push notifications before he exited the building.
🧾 Expert Reactions:
“This is the first time we’ve arrested someone because their app ratted them out with celebratory confetti,” said Lt. Marla Scone, head of the SmartCrime Unit.
“We used to rely on fingerprints and witness reports. Now we just wait for criminals to livestream their crimes in 4K.”
🥊 Closing Punchline:
The future of crime isn’t dark alleyways and secret codes…
It’s Bluetooth-enabled felonies and robbers asking Siri to find the getaway car.
Even the handcuffs now come with Wi-Fi.
