🗓️ Climate Court, Earth — June 16, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Department of Environmental Ultimatums & Sweat Management
In a heated message sent via cracked soil and withering cornfields, Planet Earth has officially ghosted Europe, citing “needy water habits” and “zero emotional growth since the Industrial Revolution.”
The breakup, which follows May 2025’s record-smashing heat, included an open letter found etched into a scorched oak leaf and delivered by an unusually sweaty squirrel.
“It’s not me, it’s you. I gave you glaciers, rivers, rainclouds—and you paved it all for IKEA parking,” the message reads. “Now you want sympathy because your basil died in the sun? Get out.”
🥵 Drought Demands (Earth’s Terms for Reconciliation):
- Bring back forests or GTFO
- Trade leaf blowers for actual leaves
- Mandatory cloud-seeding dance rituals by all EU ministers
- Ban golf courses unless the grass is emotional support moss
- All climate talks to be held in inflatable kiddie pools, for awareness
Experts agree the signs were obvious. Europe’s rivers are now “long, sad dirt trails,” while farmers report crops behaving like “dehydrated introverts with trust issues.” The Netherlands has renamed half its fountains “Evaporation Memorials.”
💬 Global Feedback:
Dr. Hazel Fern, leading plant whisperer:
“When your spinach files for desertification, maybe it’s time to listen.”
Meanwhile, an anonymous Italian vineyard reports their grapes have turned into pre-raisins, and refuse to be harvested without therapy.
🧠 Closing Punchline
Europe, you’ve officially been left on read by Mother Nature.
She’s not sending rain. She’s sending a message:
Water your planet before it waters you… down to dust.
