📝 Full Article:
Earth Orbit — June 13, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Orbital Nonsense Specialist
The fragile alliance between Earth’s richest man Elorn Mysk and self-declared President of Earth Donaldo Trümp has shattered this week over the proposed installation of a “space paywall” — a global satellite toll system that would allegedly make Mars pay for interplanetary Wi-Fi.
Speaking from a rotating gold-plated command chair aboard the Presidential Moon Base Golf Resort, Trümp stated:
“Elorn wants free space internet for everyone. That’s socialism. Mars is using our orbit without paying. We’re putting up a paywall. The best paywall. Maybe ever.”
🛰️ The Paywall Plan That Broke the Billionaire Camel
According to leaked slides from a hastily made PowerPoint titled “Space Monetization Opportunity 5.0,” Trümp’s plan includes:
- Charging all satellites a $29.99/month streaming access fee
- Blocking signals to planets with “low vibe energy”
- Forcing the Mars Transitional Council to pay for the construction costs, retroactively
Mysk, who owns roughly 94% of all functioning satellites, responded live on X:
“This is not how orbital data economics works. Also, you can’t geo-fence space with Freedom Bucks.”
💰 Ego Collision in Low Orbit
The feud escalated when Trümp accused Mysk of launching “illegal satellites without a flag,” suggesting they were “probably built by woke aliens.”
In response, Mysk held a livestream from his orbital yacht, The CryptoNova, where he calmly explained that:
- Space is unregulated
- Mars doesn’t recognize Earth’s financial system
- And yes, one satellite may have briefly streamed Shrek 2 for free
Trümp fired back:
“If I can’t tax it, it’s illegal. It’s not complicated. I made Earth great. I’ll make orbit exclusive.”
🧠 Experts Are Utterly Lost
Space law professors are reportedly “just vibing at this point,” while the Mars government released a statement via laser signal reading simply:
“Who are these guys?”
🧯 Final Punch
At press time, Donaldo Trümp is threatening to launch a giant satellite paywall shaped like his own face unless Elorn agrees to a 30% cut of galactic ad revenue. Mysk has proposed sending Trümp “a complimentary escape pod with no return function.”
Diplomats are scrambling to broker peace before someone accidentally triggers Earth’s first interplanetary subscription war.
