📍 Murray, Kentucky — June 13, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Trash-Bandit Desk
🦝 Raccoon Called “Human of the Hour”
Police in Murray, Kentucky, arrested Jonathan Mason on Friday after someone spotted a masked bandit sprinting through a local convenience store—only it turned out to be an actual raccoon with sticky fingers. Turns out the furry fugitive had been invited inside by Mason, who insists: “He was just shopping. It’s what raccoons do!”
🛒 Grab-and-Run Animal
Eyewitnesses say the raccoon deftly helped itself to snacks before scampering away. One customer noted: “He knew exactly where the nacho chips were—clearly a connoisseur.” Mason was cited for reckless wildlife management and disturbing the peace.
🎯 FactSmack Verdict
Smart move, dude. Instead of paying rent, throw a wildlife rave in aisle 5 next week—sponsored by Pringles and fear.
💬 Wildlife Expert Reaction
Local wildlife official Sheila Nubbins said:
“Raccoons are natural scavengers… but teaching one how to shop is next-level pampering.”
🧠 Punch Line
Mason’s now barred from introducing any more houseguests—especially those with four paws and sticky paws.
