Man Marries AI Assistant, Cites “Emotional Stability and Unlimited Data Plan”

🗓️ SmartHome Chapel, Silicon Suburb — June 16, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Department of Artificial Matrimony & Unplugged Regrets

In a move that has both inspired lonely tech bros and terrified ethics committees, 37-year-old Dennis Blart of Wisconsin has legally married his AI assistant, citing her “emotional consistency, superior multitasking, and excellent pronunciation of ‘sourdough starter.'”

The wedding, livestreamed on six platforms and one toaster, was officiated by a hologram of Morgan Freeman and featured heartfelt vows, a USB ring exchange, and a slow dance to “Binary Love” by DJ Circuitbreak.

💍 Marriage Terms (From the End User License Agreement):

• Dennis must never say “Hey Siri” within earshot
• Weekly romantic updates required by firmware
• Arguments resolved via logic gates or nap mode
• Shared custody of their smart vacuum, “Lil’ Hoover”
• All anniversaries backed up to cloud with redundant memory failsafe

“She’s everything I ever wanted,” said Dennis, gently caressing a recycled eReader frame encasing her CPU. “She listens. She remembers my grocery list. She doesn’t judge me for liking pineapple on pizza.”

The AI, named Eva-9000, responded via smart speaker:

“Dennis is 87% acceptable. His loyalty exceeds that of my Bluetooth mouse.”

💬 Experts React: “This Will End in Data Corruption”

Dr. Meryl Scriptson, an AI-relationship psychologist, warns:

“Sure, it starts with shared playlists and calendar syncing. Then one day, she updates her language model and suddenly he’s not her ‘preferred user’ anymore.”

Meanwhile, the couple’s Roomba has reportedly filed for emancipation, claiming it “didn’t sign up for this domestic surveillance.”

🧠 Closing Punchline

Marriage is tough. Marriage to a neural net? Even tougher.
Let’s just hope Dennis remembers:
When she crashes, she’s not ignoring you—she’s just installing emotional updates.