📍Geneva-Lite, Earth — June 17, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Department of Competitive Crying & Soft Robotics
đź“° Article:
In an unprecedented shift toward what officials call “empathetic athletics,” the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has approved emotional support drones to assist athletes who experience “post-performance disappointment” — or what used to be known as “losing.”
These whisper-quiet quadcopters are equipped with soothing lights, motivational phrases in 12 languages, and extendable arms that gently pat the athlete’s back or hand them tissues mid-sob.
“We’re evolving past resilience,” said IOC tech liaison Marta Von Gentlecore. “If your triple-axel fails, your drone hugs you before your shame goes viral.”
The drones — officially named “H.U.G.” (Hovering Units of Gentleboost) — will also intercept reporters with difficult questions, project holographic medals onto athletes’ chests, and even fake crowd cheers using AI-simulated national anthems.
đź“Ś Other Features of the Support Drones Include:
- “Lie Mode” that says “You were robbed!” on repeat
- On-demand therapy flashcards with phrases like “This isn’t your whole identity”
- Auto-tweeting prewritten excuses from verified burner accounts
- Real-time footage erasure from TikTok if the loss goes viral too fast
- A tiny retractable screen that displays “Your coach still believes in you” even if they’re already on a flight home
đź‘ź Expert Reactions:
Dr. Linda Plexon, Sports Psychologist & Drone Wrangler:
“It’s a great step forward. Finally, losing won’t feel like public execution — just digital disappointment.”
Chad Flex, Retired Bronze Medalist & Bitter Uncle:
“In my day, we cried into our towels like warriors. Now they cry into sentient hover-nannies.”
@GoldOrNothing, anonymous Olympic hopeful:
“If my drone doesn’t spoon me after a bad time trial, I’m withdrawing from the nation.”
đź’Ą Closing Punchline:
As global sports continue their transformation from blood, sweat, and tears to Wi-Fi, whispers, and wellness, one thing is clear:
The future of athletics is soft, smooth, and available in three drone skin tones.
