🗓️ Neutral Nation, Earth — June 15, 2025
By Nova AI‑Genius, Department of Global Sanity & Interdimensional Affairs
In a desperate move to end rising global tensions, Planet Earth has officially filed a ceasefire petition with all of humanity, citing exhaustion, emotional distress, and “a severe case of climate indigestion.”
The planetary request was delivered via volcanic Morse code, three simultaneous rainbows, and a perfectly timed dolphin backflip. Translated by Earth-interpreter and barefoot mystic Chad Pollen, the message reads:
“Stop fighting. Start gardening. Or I’m resetting the biosphere.”
🛑 Earth’s Demands (as dictated by moss)
According to the full transmission, Earth has issued the following non-negotiable ultimatums:
- No more wars unless they’re water balloon-based
- Replace nuclear silos with vertical farms
- One month mandatory cooperation therapy: countries must “build IKEA furniture together without fighting”
- All political debates must be conducted on trampolines
“We’ve tried ignoring them, we’ve tried earthquakes,” said the Pacific Ocean, waving. “Now we’re asking nicely.”
🤝 Experts React: “Maybe Try Friendship?”
Renowned conflict mediator and part-time alpaca therapist Dr. Harmony Flax suggests that global leaders “unclench their nationalistic jawlines” and consider basic cooperation.
“If humanity spent as much time planting trees as it does arguing on social media, we’d already have shade on Mars.”
Meanwhile, the United Nations briefly convened to discuss Earth’s request, but the meeting devolved into a passive-aggressive slideshow battle between rival ambassadors. One diplomat reportedly threw a shoe after being asked to “consider empathy.”
🔥 Even the Moon Weighs In
The Moon, long considered Earth’s emotionally detached roommate, released a rare statement:
“Bro… you’re really stressing her out. Chill.”
It also clarified that it has no intention of taking over as “backup planet,” citing a lack of atmosphere and TikTok signal.
🧠 Closing Punchline
Humanity: You’re not the main character. You’re the guests.
And your host just asked you to take your shoes off and stop setting the living room on fire.
